If you’re in a parents’ group or on social media, prepare yourselves…Mother’s Day is coming. These are the different types of mom you’ll see either ranting or raving about this special day.
MOTTO: ‘This is meant to be MY DAY’.
Super excited at Mother’s Day because it’s another opportunity for an egocentric celebration, she’ll demand an expensive spa day complete with champagne service but will instead get a homemade card made last minute alongside breakfast in bed with mimosas made from off-brand orange juice and cheap sparkling wine. Inevitably, disappointment follows along with her public rant about ‘how no one really knows me’ on social media.
MOTTO: ‘Mother’s Day is a Hallmark holiday designed to sell cards’
Refuses to give into the corporate greed of celebrating the life goddesses that have given birth to the future leaders of the world by buying and doing things that reinforce gender stereotypes. This mother will spend the day protesting the political crisis du jour and will likely send a letter to school later explaining in detail to their child’s teacher how gender biased the manufactured holiday of Mother’s Day is and why it shouldn’t be encouraged.
The Invisible Woman
MOTTO: ‘It’s fine…really’
This woman was a former ‘Princess mom’ who has given up on celebrating Mother’s Day after the first 5 times their children and/or SO forgot about the holiday. Will likely spend the day running errands or watching reality television. Is surprised but generally apathetic when someone sends her an ecard or wishes her a Happy Mother’s Day.
The Bragger Mom
Everything is wonderful and perfect with this mom even if it isn’t. They love the homemade craft from the expensive, elite preschool their child attends. Also, the elaborate fruit tray with their name written in chocolate sauce they received for breakfast in bed was simply ‘#yummy’. Don’t worry, you won’t miss one detail about their special day because everything is well documented via their Facebook/Twitter/Instagram in the form of filtered pics and annoying hashtags.
Mom on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
MOTTO: ‘But it’s Mother’s Day….’
This woman is exhausted beyond belief and who wouldn’t be? She hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in years, she’s underappreciated and underpaid at her shit job and busy with the care and feeding of both her children and her adult-child of an SO. All she wants to do is sleep in and enjoy a clean house but “no can do” because SO is taking off early to go golfing/fishing/whatever the fuck they fucking want to do. BUT…it’s ok…it’s fine…used to it. Expect a full blown meltdown over dirty socks in the middle of the FUCKING LIVING ROOM FLOOR!
MOTTO: ‘That is not what we are doing’
This woman is the fearless leader of the pack. She knows not to expect anything but blind obedience from her SO and children. She has adjusted her expectations accordingly over the years and made plans for the day along with clear and concise instructions over what the day entails. She knows the drill and comes prepared for any hiccup that may arise.
The Cheerleader Mom
MOTTO: ‘I love it and I love you!’
A gold star mom if there ever was one. For her, everything is great and wonderful. Their child could take a dump in a gift box, cover it in stickers, present it to her in the middle of the night and she would still think it was the greatest gift ever. You’ll find this mom wearing EVERY SINGLE item she ever received for Mother’s Day including World’s Best Mom hat/t-shirt/necklace and big sparkly jewelry that may or may not include a princess tiara. She’s just so thankful to be spending the day with her beautiful family and will likely tear up when reading her Mother’s Day card.
The Faux Mom
MOTTO: ‘I don’t have kids but I am mom to [insert number] [insert type of animal].’
People who equate raising children to having pets. Did your cat bring your vibrator to their school’s show and tell*? Did your bird’s teacher have a quick word with you about maybe rethinking the language you use around your child because today in class it told another bird to go fuck itself? I know you love your pet like it was your own kid but the care-taking of your beloved animal is simply not the same as that of an actual human. Sorry, it just isn’t. So, unless someone asked you if you could balance the puppy stage with work duties, you can’t celebrate Mother’s Day. But hey, if this is a made up holiday, there’s no reason why you can’t make your own holiday to celebrate!
*FYI-this happens more frequently than you think